Every year, PNC Bank publishes its “Christmas Price Index” to track the cost of the Twelve Days of Christmas. For 2023, it’s a hefty $46,730. That’s up 13% since we looked two years ago. (Inflation bites.) The index may not be completely accurate—for example, the ten lords-a-leaping are valued using the cost of male ballet dancers rather than card-carrying British lords. As for those eight maids-a-milking, well, “cows not included.” But still, we always wonder what sort of taxes we’re looking at on the whole affair.
- Twelve drummers drumming and eleven pipers piping make quite a racket every holiday season! Hiring all that help will stir up a chorus of employment and FICA taxes.
- The ten lords may look perfectly happy and even graceful while they’re leaping. But surely they must pay a king’s ransom in taxes. After all, they are lords!
- Nine ladies dancing make a lovely sight at Christmastime, especially if they’re Rockettes. They can also expect to pay a cabaret tax for the privilege of displaying their talent.
- Eight maids-a-milking make sure we have plenty of ice cream and eggnog to drink. Good thing so many states offer dairy credits to squeeze the cows onto higher holiday production!
- Seven swans-a-swimming? Six geese-a-laying? If we accept the rule of thumb that two birds per acre is a manageable number, then we’re looking at some pretty serious property taxes to host our holiday extravaganza!
- Who wouldn’t swoon at five golden rings under the tree? (No regifting here!) But selling those rings could be an expensive proposition. Remember, jewelry held for personal use is still subject to the old 28% tax on long-term capital gains, plus a 3.8% net investment income tax!
- Four calling birds use a lot of cell phone minutes over twelve days. (They’re calling birds, so unlimited texting doesn’t help.) Naturally, that means a 5.82% federal excise tax, plus possible state and local levies, on all those minutes!
- Three French hens add a sophisticated continental touch to anyone’s holiday festivities. But don’t forget the steep import duties you’ll pay to import foreign livestock into the country.
- Two turtle doves are favorites with bird watchers for forming strong pair bonds, which make them a symbol of devoted love. (That’s why “my true love” gives them in the first place.) Too bad that means they pay that pesky marriage penalty that hits high-income joint filers! (OK, that one’s a stretch. We’ve got twelve days of taxes to fill here, cut us some slack.)
- Nothing says, “We’ve finally come to an end to this tiresome carol,” like a partridge in a pear tree. And when you finally get there, the tax code is full of juicy incentives for growing pear trees. You can deduct operating expenses associated with your crop; you can depreciate equipment and land improvements you use to manage your groves; and you can even claim generous charitable deductions for rights you give up to conservation easements. Those tax savings alone should be enough to cover the cost of the partridge!
Yes, even Twelve Days of Christmas just means twelve more opportunities for the taxman. (It’s also a lot of birds. So many birds.) So, here’s wishing you and your family the very best this holiday season. We’ll be back in 2024 to make sure you pay the least tax possible, not just during the holidays but all year long!